this is me trying

"this is me trying" is a deeply introspective and vulnerable song about confronting personal failures, mental health struggles, and addiction. It explores the profound effort it takes just to show up and keep going when battling internal demons. Taylor Swift explained that she wrote the song from the perspectives of three different characters: one channeling her own feelings of worthlessness during 2016-2017, another dealing with addiction, and a third contemplating their life choices. The song's central message is one of acknowledging one's flaws, regrets, and the immense, often unseen, struggle to improve. It conveys the feeling of being at rock bottom but making the conscious, difficult choice to not give up, even if the effort isn't perfect or immediately successful. The lyrics touch on themes of existential crisis, regret over wasted potential, and the difficulty of communicating one's pain, ultimately celebrating the quiet bravery in the simple act of trying.

The narrative unfolds from the perspective of someone grappling with a profound sense of failure and dislocation. They confess to having a difficult time adjusting after a fall from grace, once possessing a promising future, symbolized by "the shiniest wheels," which are now "rusting." This person returns to someone they left, filled with regret and uncertainty, unsure if their presence is even wanted. They recount a moment of intense crisis, having pulled their car over at a lookout point, contemplating giving in to their deepest fears and ending their life. However, they chose not to. Showing up at this person's doorway, without knowing the right words, is their raw, desperate attempt at making amends and holding on. This act, in itself, is presented as a monumental effort.

The second verse delves deeper into the internal and external struggles. The narrator reflects on being told their problems were self-imposed, that their "cages were mental." In response, they turned to self-destructive behavior, "getting wasted" and squandering their potential. They admit to a history of lashing out in anger, a behavior they deeply regret. There's a poignant reflection on their past, where they were once so far ahead of their peers that the path forward warped, leaving them to fall behind everyone. The verse culminates in a scene where the narrator is pouring their heart out to a stranger, a moment of vulnerable confession. Crucially, in this moment of emotional outpouring, they resist the urge to self-medicate with alcohol, a small but significant victory.

The bridge captures the suffocating feeling of social anxiety and emotional pain, describing how hard it is to be at a party when feeling like an "open wound." The feeling of displacement is so profound it's hard to be anywhere, consumed by the longing for a specific person. This person has become a recurring memory, a "flashback in a film reel" playing on the single screen of their mind, indicating an obsessive, looping rumination on the past. The song repeatedly circles back to the core message: the simple, unadorned act of showing up and being present, despite the internal chaos and lack of eloquent words, is the ultimate expression of their effort to reconnect and heal. It is, simply, them trying.

"this is me trying" was written by Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff, and produced by the two of them along with Joe Alwyn. It was created for Swift's eighth studio album, Folklore, which was written and recorded in isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic and surprise-released on July 24, 2020. Swift wrote the song after her planned Lover Fest tour was canceled. In the documentary Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions, Swift elaborated on the song's inspiration, stating she was thinking about people struggling with mental illness or addiction who fight battles every day without recognition. The song's creation was part of the album's overall pivot to an indie folk, alternative style, a departure from her previous pop-oriented work. Aaron Dessner, another key collaborator on Folklore, felt that "this is me trying" connected with the spirit of the entire album, viewing it as an exercise in working through stories from various perspectives.

"this is me trying" utilizes a relatively loose and sophisticated rhyme scheme that avoids simple, predictable patterns, contributing to its conversational and introspective feel. The chorus, for example, follows an ABCC structure. The song makes use of both perfect rhymes and slant rhymes (e.g., mental/potential), which adds a layer of lyrical complexity. The song is set in the key of A major with a moderately fast tempo of 136 beats per minute, though the overall feel is somber and slow-paced due to the arrangement. The rhythm is driven by slow-paced beats and a foundational organ part, creating a heavy, melancholic atmosphere. The interplay between the lyrical rhythm and the musical arrangement is crucial; the slow, deliberate pace allows the listener to absorb the weight of the confessional lyrics, while the building orchestration in the chorus and bridge mirrors the swelling of intense emotion.

"this is me trying" employs a rich combination of musical and literary techniques to create its dreamlike and melancholic atmosphere. Musically, it is characterized as dream pop and orchestral pop, featuring a production that swells with emotion. The instrumentation includes a prominent organ, subtle horns, strings, percussion, and saxophone, which build in intensity to match the lyrical narrative. The track's sound has been described as an "expansive, atmospheric portrait" with a "lazy swagger." Swift's vocal delivery is breathy and processed with reverb, making her voice sound vast and ghostly, as if it encompasses the entire song with its desperation. Literary techniques include the use of a first-person confessional narrative voice, which creates a sense of intimacy and vulnerability. Swift also uses vivid imagery and specific, sharp lyrical details to ground the abstract emotions, such as the car at the lookout and the film reel metaphor. The song structure follows a verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus pattern, with repetition emphasizing the central theme of effort.

"this is me trying" was released as part of the critically acclaimed album Folklore, which won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year. The song itself was lauded by critics for its profound and raw portrayal of mental health, addiction, and vulnerability. It resonated deeply with listeners, particularly during the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic, for its honest depiction of struggling just to get by. The track peaked at number 39 on the US Billboard Hot 100 and charted in several other countries, including Australia, Canada, and the UK. While not a single, its impact is significant within Swift's discography for its lyrical depth and thematic maturity. The song was featured in a commercial for the 2020 Summer Olympics and has been performed by Swift on her record-breaking Eras Tour, often as a highly anticipated "surprise song." Its open discussion of mental health has contributed to broader cultural conversations, cementing its place as a fan-favorite and one of the most emotionally potent tracks on Folklore.

The lyrics of "this is me trying" are rich with symbolism and metaphors that illustrate the narrator's struggles.

• "I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting": This metaphor represents lost potential and a once-promising future that has decayed due to inaction or struggle. The shiny wheels symbolize ambition and the means to move forward, while the rust signifies stagnation and decline.
• "Pulled the car off the road to the lookout / Could've followed my fears all the way down": This is a vivid and harrowing image of contemplating suicide, with the "lookout" being a literal and metaphorical precipice. Choosing not to "follow my fears" represents a conscious decision to live despite overwhelming pain.
• "They told me all of my cages were mental": This line points to the internalized nature of the narrator's struggles, suggesting their limitations and prisons are self-imposed, a common experience in battles with mental illness.
• "I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere": A clever geometric metaphor for the perils of being a high-achiever. The narrator was so far ahead that they lapped everyone, losing their frame of reference and ultimately falling behind their peers.
• "It's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound": This simile conveys a state of extreme emotional vulnerability and social anxiety, where being in a crowd feels painful and exposed.
• "You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town": This metaphor illustrates how a past relationship or person completely dominates the narrator's thoughts, playing on a loop in their mind. The use of "film reel" suggests something tangible and from the past.

The most significant recurring phrase in the song is the title itself, "this is me trying." This line serves as the song's central thesis and emotional anchor. It appears in the chorus and the outro, often following a confession of inadequacy or a description of a struggle (e.g., "maybe I don't quite know what to say... but this is me trying"). Its repetition reinforces the narrator's core message: that despite their failures, confusion, and emotional pain, their presence and their confession represent a genuine, albeit imperfect, effort. The final line, "at least I'm trying," is a slight variation that encapsulates the song's blend of desperation and resilience, a final plea for acknowledgment that the effort itself is what matters. Another recurring motif is the theme of regret, repeated in the lines "I have a lot of regrets about that," which underscores the narrator's self-awareness and remorse for their past actions.