chemtrails

The core meaning of "chemtrails" is rooted in the profound experience of grief, specifically the disorientation and lingering sorrow of losing a parent. Dedicated to Lizzy McAlpine's late father, who passed away in 2020, the song explores the duality of physical absence and spiritual or emotional presence.

Throughout the lyrics, McAlpine paints a picture of someone who feels thrust into adulthood before they are ready. The repeated imagery of being a "child at the grown-ups' table" highlights the internal emotional stunting that often accompanies a traumatic loss. She grapples with the surreal nature of continuing to age, hit milestones, and experience life changes—like moving out or making new friends—while the person who was supposed to guide her through them is no longer there.

Implicitly, the song touches upon the concept of signs from the universe or the afterlife. The central metaphor conveys how the dead leave indelible marks on the living. McAlpine realizes that her father's influence surrounds her, even if she can no longer see him physically. Ultimately, the message is one of enduring love and the painful, yet necessary, acceptance that life and growth must continue alongside grief.

The narrative begins with the speaker looking up at the sky, observing the lingering white trails of airplanes that have already vanished from sight. This imagery sets the tone for a profound exploration of absence and the lasting marks left by those who are gone. The speaker reflects on her own emotional stunting, confessing a stubborn resistance to accountability and a childish habit of playing with her food before it is taken away—a powerful metaphor for taking precious time or loved ones for granted until they are unexpectedly gone. As she navigates this internal conflict, she vows that she is actively attempting to change and mature, even when it feels incredibly difficult.

The narrative then shifts to the ground below, where she notices footprints and lines in the sand without seeing their creator, mirroring the invisible yet undeniable presence of someone who has passed away. She holds tightly to intimate memories, specifically listening to a band introduced to her the previous April, tying her present reality to a shared, irretrievable past. Despite outward signs of growth—moving away from home, growing a few inches taller, making new friends, and achieving a fragile, newfound sense of stability—she admits to feeling like an imposter, a child sitting at the grown-ups' table. The pain of sudden, forced adulthood is palpable, as she mourns missed opportunities and the harsh reality of having to navigate the world without her anchor.

There are specific days when hearing a certain song triggers an overwhelming wave of grief, breaking through her stoic exterior and forcing her to confront how deeply she misses this person. The narrative circles back to the sky, reiterating the feeling of an unseen presence. She grapples with complex, unnamable emotions, feeling isolated in her struggles; sometimes, when she shouts out her frustrations, it feels as though the universe is completely deaf to her pain. Yet, amidst the profound sorrow, she finds a lingering, comforting thought: the belief that somewhere, this lost loved one is watching over her as she continues to grow up without them. The story concludes with a bittersweet, highly intimate audio memory of childhood—a simple, everyday moment of eating a snack and exchanging warm "goodnight"s—anchoring the sweeping metaphors of profound grief in the very real, mundane, and beautiful moments of familial love that were tragically lost.

"chemtrails" was written and recorded for Lizzy McAlpine's sophomore studio album, five seconds flat, which was released on April 8, 2022. The song was born out of profound personal tragedy: the sudden death of her father, Mark McAlpine, in March 2020.

While the majority of the album deals with the complexities of romantic heartbreak, toxic relationships, and breakups, "chemtrails" stands out as the only track focused on a different magnitude of loss—familial grief. McAlpine collaborated with producers Philip Etherington and Ehren Ebbage to create the track's delicate soundscape.

A deeply personal element of the song's creation is the inclusion of an actual home audio recording at the very end of the track. The audio features a young Lizzy eating a snack while her father affectionately talks to her, culminating in a shared "goodnight." This creative decision bridged her past and present, serving as a direct, tangible tribute to her father and anchoring the album's emotional weight in a raw, unfiltered reality.

The song predominantly features an AABB rhyme scheme within its verses, though it relies heavily on slant rhymes and assonance to maintain a conversational, unforced flow (e.g., "sand / them", "inches / missed it", "April / table"). These imperfect rhymes reflect the unresolved, messy nature of the grief she is experiencing.

Rhythmically, the song is slow, deliberate, and free-flowing. The meter lacks a rigid, driving pop beat, instead mimicking the natural pacing of human breath or a solemn sigh. The interplay between the lyrical rhythm and the musical rhythm is restrained; the piano chords fall softly, allowing the weight of the lyrics to linger in the air. This suspension of tempo prevents the song from rushing, forcing the listener to sit comfortably in the melancholic stillness of the track.

Musical Techniques: The song is arranged as a sparse, melancholic piano ballad that gradually builds with subtle, echoing synths. This production choice creates a ghostly, atmospheric ambiance that mimics the sensation of "memory drift" and the dissociation often associated with mourning. The use of negative space and silence in the arrangement is a deliberate technique that mirrors the lyrical theme of absence.

Literary Techniques: McAlpine employs conversational, almost frustrated diction ("What the hell is my problem") to contrast with the sweeping, poetic metaphors of the sky and sand. This juxtaposition grounds the song in raw humanity. The narrative voice is highly introspective, shifting from direct address ("that you showed me") to isolated internal monologue. The inclusion of the lo-fi home audio sample at the end acts as an auditory technique that breaks the studio polish, intimately pulling the listener directly into McAlpine's private grief.

While "chemtrails" was not released as a lead commercial single, it has become a deeply significant and culturally resonant track within Lizzy McAlpine's discography. Upon the release of five seconds flat, the song quickly garnered acclaim from fans and music critics alike for its raw vulnerability.

Its cultural impact is most notable in online communities, where listeners frequently share how the song has helped them navigate their own experiences with losing a parent or a loved one. It has established McAlpine as an artist capable of profound emotional depth, elevating her beyond the typical confines of indie-pop heartbreak anthems. In her live shows, she often performs "chemtrails" as part of a dedicated, emotionally heavy medley honoring her father alongside tracks like "March", solidifying its legacy as a cornerstone of her live performances.

The song is rich with vivid symbolism that beautifully articulates the abstract nature of grief:

• Chemtrails and the Plane: The titular metaphor represents the lingering, visible impact of someone who has passed away. Just as a chemtrail proves a plane was there even after it has vanished from sight, the memories and influence of her father remain ever-present in her life, despite his physical absence.
• Lines in the Sand: Similar to the chemtrails, seeing lines in the sand without seeing who made them symbolizes the physical and emotional evidence of a person's existence left behind in the world.
• Playing with Food: This recurring image serves as a metaphor for youthful naivety and the habit of taking time for granted. Having the food "taken away" mirrors the sudden, unpreventable loss of her father.
• The Grown-Up's Table: This symbolizes the adult world she has been forced to enter. It highlights her imposter syndrome and the dichotomy between her chronological age and her emotional vulnerability.

Several recurring motifs anchor the song's emotional narrative:

• "I see chemtrails in the sky, but I don't see the plane": This central hook is repeated to emphasize her constant, inescapable awareness of her father's unseen presence. Its repetition solidifies the core theme of the song.
• "I play with my food": This phrase recurs to highlight her feelings of regression and internal conflict. As the song progresses, the phrase evolves from someone else taking the food away to her throwing it away herself, signifying her ongoing struggle with growth and self-sabotage.
• "Oh I miss it, I miss you": This raw, direct refrain strips away all metaphors. Its repetition serves as the emotional climax of the song, cutting through the poetic imagery to deliver the simple, devastating truth of her loss.