if i let go

"if i let go" is a raw and honest exploration of anxious attachment and the self-sabotaging nature of insecurity within a relationship. The central theme revolves around the narrator's deep fear that his own mental health struggles—specifically his tendency to "run away when it gets hard"—will eventually destroy the relationship he values so much.

The song operates on a paradox: the narrator warns his partner to stay away to protect them from his "issues," yet simultaneously begs them to hold on tighter than ever. This push-and-pull dynamic is characteristic of someone who feels unworthy of love ("I know that I am a burden") but is terrified of losing it. The recurring plea to be held "by the wrist" is significant; it implies a situation where he is dangling or slipping, and he needs the partner to be the anchor that prevents his fall, even if he is the one trying to let go.

Implicitly, the song touches on the weight of emotional baggage. The narrator admits to being "two handfuls," a metaphor for being difficult to manage or comfort. By asking his partner to "ignore what I say if I tell you to leave," he is essentially asking them to love him past his defense mechanisms. It is a confession of vulnerability, asking for a love that is resilient enough to withstand his darkest moments of self-doubt and flight risk.

The song begins with a confession, framing the lyrics as an 'ode' to a partner. The narrator admits to realizing they have deep-seated emotional issues, describing these flaws as a 'flare' or a warning shot to their significant other. He cautions his partner that if they truly want to pursue a relationship, they must understand his complexities first. He describes himself metaphorically as 'two handfuls' that don't fit easily into a palm, warning that getting close to him carries the risk of getting hurt.

The chorus reveals the core anxiety of the relationship: a fear of abandonment coupled with a fear of his own volatility. He sings, 'if I let go first, better not let go too,' suggesting a desperate need for his partner to hold on even when he pushes away. He acknowledges he is 'the worst' and pleads for his partner to hold him 'by the wrist,' a specific image of preventing someone from slipping away. He asks them to hold on so tight it might 'tear off my arm,' emphasizing the intensity of his need for security.

In the second verse, he bluntly states, 'I know that I am a burden,' revealing deep insecurity. He explains that his brain 'runs away when it gets hard,' indicating a flight response to stress. despite this, he expresses a desire for permanence, saying he wants this person 'forever' and won't reminisce about others. He prays his partner never gives up on him. He describes a shift in his personality, feeling 'bold' and 'new' with this person, following rules where he once didn't care about the future. Now, however, the concept of the future scares him because he has something to lose.

The song concludes with a mix of hope and desperation. He wonders about 'God's plan' and hopes his partner will remain by his side as promised. He gives a contradictory instruction: 'Ignore what I say if I tell you to leave,' highlighting his self-sabotaging tendencies. The final sentiment is an ultimatum to himself and the relationship—if this doesn't work, he never wants to love again, desiring to be 'stuck to your side forever.'

"if i let go" was released as a single on June 20, 2023. The song was written and composed by the artist himself, Caleb Kim (known professionally as cykim), who is also credited with the vocals. The track was produced and engineered by Saka Ayumu, a producer who frequently collaborates with artists in the indie R&B and lo-fi scenes.

While specific anecdotes about the recording session are not widely publicized, the song fits into cykim's established style of intimate, bedroom-pop-adjacent R&B that focuses on personal vulnerability. The production is polished yet minimal, allowing the vocals and lyrics to take center stage, which is typical of the "sad boy" or "emotional R&B" wave that gained traction on platforms like TikTok and Spotify in the early 2020s. The song's release helped cement cykim's place in the indie music landscape, garnering over a million streams on Spotify and finding a home in playlists alongside artists like wave to earth and keshi.

The song employs a mix of perfect and slant rhymes, often following an AABB or ABAB structure in the verses, but loosening up in the emotional peaks. For example, in the chorus, "first" rhymes with "worst," and "me" rhymes loosely with "easily" and "please."

Rhythmically, the lyrics follow a conversational flow that mimics the pattern of speech, making the confession feel authentic and unrehearsed. The phrasing often spills over the bar lines, mirroring the "running away" of his thoughts. The pacing is deliberate and mid-tempo, neither dragging nor rushing, which allows the listener to digest the weight of each confession. The interplay between the steady musical beat and the slightly frantic, pleading nature of the lyrics creates a tension that reflects the narrator's internal anxiety.

Musical Techniques:

• Melodic Contours: The song utilizes a smooth, R&B-influenced vocal delivery with a gentle, descending melody in the chorus that mimics the feeling of "letting go" or falling.
• Minimalist Arrangement: The production by Saka Ayumu is likely stripped back, featuring warm keys or guitar and a steady, unobtrusive beat. This creates an intimate space that feels like a private conversation or a diary entry.
• Vocal Layering: Background harmonies are often used in this genre to add weight to specific emotional lines, creating a sense of surrounding warmth to contrast the lonely lyrics.

Literary Techniques:

• Direct Address: The entire song is framed as a conversation using "you" and "I," which heightens the intimacy and urgency.
• Paradox: The line "If I let go first, better not let go too" is a logical paradox that captures the irrational nature of anxiety—he is doing the leaving, but demanding the staying.
• Irony: He claims to be a "burden" and "the worst," yet imposes the heavy responsibility of "saving" him onto his partner, ironically fulfilling his own prophecy of being difficult to handle.

While not a mainstream chart-topper, "if i let go" has found significant success within the indie/bedroom pop and R&B communities. With over 1.2 million streams on Spotify (as of early 2026), it has become one of cykim's signature tracks. The song resonates strongly with the "sad vibes" or "lates night drive" aesthetic popular on social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram Reels.

It is often associated with other rising Asian-American or indie artists such as wave to earth, PRYVT, and Junwav, contributing to a growing movement of emotive, R&B-infused indie pop. Its relatable lyrics about mental health and relationship anxiety have helped it cultivate a dedicated listener base who find comfort in its articulation of specific, difficult emotions.

The lyrics rely heavily on physical imagery to convey emotional states:

• "Two handfuls don't fit in your palm": This metaphor describes the narrator's emotional baggage. He feels he is "too much" for one person to handle or hold onto comfortably, suggesting he is overwhelming.
• "Hold me by the wrist": This is the song's central image. Unlike holding hands, which is mutual and romantic, holding someone by the wrist is an act of catching or restraining. It implies the narrator is slipping away (perhaps over a ledge) and relies entirely on the partner's grip to save him.
• "Tear off my arm": This hyperbole illustrates the desperation of his plea. He would rather endure physical pain (the tearing of his arm) than the emotional pain of separation.
• "A flare to you": He compares his confession to a distress signal or a warning shot. He is signaling danger before the relationship gets too deep, giving his partner a chance to turn back.
• "Black is white": This juxtaposition represents confusion or a total shift in perspective. Being with this person has changed his world so drastically that the rules of his reality have inverted.

The title phrase "if i let go" serves as the central motif, appearing in the chorus as the pivotal condition. It anchors the song's hypothetical scenario of abandonment. Another recurring element is the concept of physical holding ("hold me," "stuck to your side," "fit in your palm"), which acts as the antidote to the "letting go" motif.

The phrase "I know that I am a burden" and the admission that his brain "runs away" are recurring thematic hooks that reinforce the narrator's self-awareness and self-loathing. By repeating these specific insecurities, the song emphasizes that these are not fleeting thoughts but constant, nagging fears that define his experience of love.