Akapen Onegaishimasu

Akapen Onegaishimasu (Please Give Me a Red Pen) is a deeply introspective and harrowing examination of self-loathing, regret, and the desire for absolution. The central metaphor of the song revolves around the 'red pen,' which in Japanese education is used by teachers (specifically the famous Aka-pen sensei from the Shinkenzemi correspondence courses) to correct mistakes, mark incorrect answers with an 'X' (peke), and grade papers. The narrator is metaphorically asking for someone to take a red pen to their life, to cross out their lies, their indecisiveness, and their failures. This plea for correction is fundamentally a cry for help and an expression of deep inadequacy; they feel their life is a test they are failing miserably.

Furthermore, the meaning takes on an incredibly dark and tragic layer due to the cultural context of red ink in Japan. Traditionally, writing a living person's name in red ink is considered a severe taboo associated with death, as red ink is used on gravestones for family members who have not yet passed away. By asking for the red pen, the narrator is implicitly asking to be crossed out from life itself. The lyrics speak to a cycle of comparing oneself to others and coming up short, feeling profound emptiness whether 'hungry or full,' and longing for a person who has disappeared. The song ends with the realization that after all the crossing out, the final score of their life is a zero, signaling complete resignation and the end of their struggle.

The song opens with the narrator asking for a refill of ink to continue writing, expressing a desire to act faster than any spoken words. They describe mixing a bit of cynical nitpicking to create something sharper than mere logic. By blending the worst and best feelings together like a drink stirred with a muddler, a strange illusion occurs: they feel the presence of someone they deeply miss. The narrator asks to be handed a 'red pen,' wondering if being like this other person would have made things better. They are haunted by the physical memory of this person and the terrifying realization of their permanent absence.

The song then shifts to a desperate plea for correction and erasure. The narrator wants a red 'X' marked across the lies they have told and the indecisiveness that plagues their daily life, demanding that this correction be more righteous than any unreasonableness and sharper than any drama. They express a profound sense of emptiness and emotional numbness, noting that whether they are starving or full, it no longer matters because the needle of despair continues to pierce them directly. Realizing that the person has truly left their side, they beg them not to say goodbye, longing intensely to return to the place they used to share before everything went wrong.

Ultimately, the narrator questions their own existence, wondering why they continue to cry if comparing oneself to others is just a normal, expected part of life. Stripped of all purpose and meaning, they keep crossing things out with the red pen just to pass the time as they sing their final melody. The song concludes with a devastating and blunt self-assessment: the very first circle they have drawn is also the last circle they will ever draw, and when the final score of their life is tallied by the metaphorical teacher, it amounts to absolutely nothing—a tragic and permanent zero.

Akapen Onegaishimasu is the final, tragic swan song of the acclaimed Vocaloid producer siinamota (also known as Powapowa-P, real name Ryo Mizoguchi). The song was uploaded to Niconico on July 23, 2015. Just thirty minutes after the track was published, siinamota suddenly passed away at the young age of 20. While the official cause of death was never publicly disclosed by his family or management, the intensely dark themes of this final song, combined with its timing, have led fans to widely presume it was a suicide note in musical form.

In the producer comments accompanying the video, siinamota wrote: 'Hello, it's siinamota. I ended up buying some squid. I think I quit and rejoined Shinkenzemi about five times. I never submitted to Red Pen-sensei'. This casual yet poignant comment highlights his real-life struggles with commitment and the feeling of being evaluated, directly inspiring the song's 'red pen' metaphor. The track features vocals by Hatsune Miku and an illustration and video by Yuuma. In 2019, exactly four years after his passing, the song was officially included in the posthumous album 故に。 (Yueni. / Therefor.), which was compiled and arranged by his close friends and label (U/M/A/A Inc.) to honor his musical legacy.

The song is laden with powerful, bleak symbolism:

• The Red Pen (Akapen): On a surface level, it represents judgment, guidance, and the desire to be 'corrected' in life, akin to a teacher grading a student's flawed test paper. On a deeper, cultural level, Japanese superstition dictates that writing someone's name in red ink brings bad luck or signifies death. Thus, the red pen becomes an instrument of self-erasure and a harbinger of the artist's impending tragic end.
• The Red 'X' (Peke): The lyrics repeatedly ask for a red 'X' to be drawn over lies and indecisiveness. This symbolizes an ultimate rejection of the self and a desperate desire to nullify one's own past actions and existence.
• Hunger and Fullness: The lines 'I'm hungry, I'm full' symbolize emotional numbness and apathy. The narrator has reached a point of severe depression where physical sensations and basic human needs lose all meaning in the face of their inner pain.
• The Score of Zero: The song concludes with the narrator stating their score is 'zero'. This is the ultimate metaphor for worthlessness and finality, representing the narrator's belief that their life's efforts amounted to nothing.

The predominant emotional tone of Akapen Onegaishimasu is one of profound melancholia, self-deprecation, and finality. From the opening chords, the energetic rock instrumental masks a deeply depressive core. As the song progresses, the emotional weight intensifies, transitioning from a restless anxiety to a chilling, bittersweet acceptance of defeat. The lyrics convey an intense feeling of being a failure, trapped in a cycle of comparing oneself to others and finding oneself lacking. The emotional climax is not a loud explosion of anger, but rather a quiet, devastating surrender, leaving the listener with a haunting sense of emptiness and tragedy, heavily amplified by the real-world context of the producer's untimely death shortly after its release.

Akapen Onegaishimasu holds a profoundly tragic and revered place within the Vocaloid community. It has entered the Niconico 'Hall of Legend' (surpassing 1 million views) and stands as a poignant memorial to siinamota's immense talent and his struggles with mental health. The song's release exactly thirty minutes before his sudden death has cemented it as one of the most famously disturbing and heart-wrenching tracks in the genre's history. It is frequently discussed in forums and video essays regarding the darker side of Vocaloid music and the intense pressures faced by young internet creators. The posthumous release of the album Therefor. in 2019, which featured this track, was a highly significant event for his fans, serving as a final goodbye. The song's legacy is deeply intertwined with siinamota's broader impact on the scene, ensuring that his raw, emotional approach to music continues to resonate with millions worldwide.

The song is structured with a fast-paced, almost breathless rhythmic delivery in the verses, reflecting the racing thoughts of an anxious mind. In Japanese, siinamota utilizes internal rhyme and rhythmic repetition (e.g., 'donna ni donna ni', 'tadashiku tadashiku') to create a sense of urgency. The meter of the lyrics frequently contrasts with the steady electronic rock beat, with Miku's vocals squeezing tightly packed syllables into short musical phrases. This technique mimics the feeling of someone frantically trying to explain themselves or apologize before running out of time. The rhythm dramatically slows down and strips back at the very end of the track, moving from a dense instrumental arrangement to near silence as the final, fatalistic lyrics about drawing a circle and receiving a zero are delivered. This rhythmic halt perfectly aligns with the song's overarching theme of an abrupt, unceremonious ending.

Musically, the song juxtaposes a relatively upbeat, driving electronic soft-rock instrumental with incredibly bleak and fatalistic lyrics. This dissonance is a common trope in Vocaloid music but is executed here with chilling sincerity. Hatsune Miku's synthetic, high-pitched vocal delivery adds to this contrast, sounding almost innocent and detached while delivering a devastatingly sad narrative. Lyrically, siinamota employs repetition effectively, particularly the refrain asking for the red pen and asking to correct the 'indecisive days' and 'stupidity.' The use of rhetorical questions, such as 'Wouldn't that be so great?' and 'Then why do I continue to cry?', underscores the narrator's internal conflict and hopelessness. The song also features structural pacing that mirrors a downward spiral; it begins with energetic, somewhat cryptic imagery (mixing feelings with a muddler) and gradually devolves into stark, blunt statements of despair, culminating in the abrupt, spoken-word-like realization of scoring a 'zero.'

What is the meaning of the red pen in Akapen Onegaishimasu?

The red pen is a dual metaphor. On one hand, it refers to a teacher grading a paper, symbolizing the narrator's desire to have their flawed life and mistakes 'corrected' or crossed out. On the other hand, it references a Japanese superstition where writing a living person's name in red ink brings bad luck or signifies death, acting as a dark foreshadowing.

Was Akapen Onegaishimasu siinamota's last song?

Yes, 'Akapen Onegaishimasu' was the final song publicly uploaded by siinamota himself. He published the track on Niconico on July 23, 2015, tragically just thirty minutes before he passed away at the age of 20.

What does the ending 'My score is a zero' mean in the song?

The ending symbolizes total resignation and a feeling of absolute worthlessness. After metaphorically asking to be graded and having all his lies and mistakes crossed out with a red pen, the narrator concludes that his life amounts to nothing, reflecting deep depression and finality.

Who is 'Red Pen-sensei' mentioned in the song's original comments?

'Aka-pen sensei' (Red Pen Teacher) refers to the instructors who grade and correct correspondence course materials for Shinkenzemi, a popular Japanese educational program. Siinamota mentioned in the video description that he kept quitting the program and never submitted his work to them.

Why is Akapen Onegaishimasu considered one of the saddest Vocaloid songs?

The song is considered deeply tragic not just because of its themes of self-loathing and giving up on life, but primarily because of its real-world context. The lyrics serve as a haunting suicide note, uploaded mere moments before the young producer's sudden and tragic death.